Silly Legal Disclaimers - Vol IV

Okay folks, get yourself a sheet of paper and some form of writing utensil. 

I just returned from a quick trip down to San Diego and back for a shipmate's retirement ceremony.  As I was boarding the plane in San Diego, I happened upon a sign at the end of the jetway...

Before I share it with you, take a guess.  If YOU were an airport or airline executive who was paranoid about the current litigious environment in America, what warning sign would YOU put at the end of the jetway just before your customers board the plane?  What do YOU think is the most likely reason your customers are gonna wanna sue you?

One might think it would be something fairly common sense like, "Warning: Don't walk off the end of the jetway if there isn't an airplane attached," or, "Stand Back!  Airplane door swings outward!" 

Nope.

Not.  Even.  Close.

Before I tell you the answer, write down what you think belongs as a warning at the end of the jetway.  Be sure to post what you wrote down in the comments section at the end of the post, because I'm sure my readers can come up with at least a dozen more likely silly legal disclaimers than the one I spotted.

Okay, ready? 

Here's what I found...  (click on image to enlarge)

Seriously?  Gosh, I'm glad they warned me.

Ya know, if I was a pregnant woman... and I had been drinking... and my baby was born with a birth defect...  Do you really think I'm gonna sue the airline for not warning me about the hazards of drinking?  

Probably not, unless in my drunken stupor I fell off the jetway without an airplane attached.

Frivolous Lawsuits & Silly Legal Disclaimers Vol 37 Ed 3

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer nor any sort of legal expert.

In my layman's understanding of common law, there is a basic principle called nuisance.

In grad school, I took a class called Environmental Security. It was team-taught by three professors, one of whom was a lawyer. One of the legal principles he taught us in that class was the principle of nuisance. It just kinda made intuitive sense to me and has stuck in my brain ever since. One of the key elements of nuisance was that it had to be something new - it couldn't be a pre-existing condition.

For example, consider the case of jet noise from a Navy airfield. Let's say the airfield is already there. Then some dude decides to build or buy a house next to the airfield. In that case, the guy couldn't sue the Navy because of the jet noise being a nuisance. The airfield was already there, and the guy sure as heck knew it was there and knew there'd be jet noise when he bought the house under the landing pattern. If, on the other hand, the guy had been living in his house, and the Navy came in and built a new airfield next to his house that he already owned, then he could sue the Navy for the nuisance of the jet noise.

For a civilian example, consider a tree that blocks or obscures a neighbor's otherwise-beautiful view. If I buy a house, and there's a tree in the neighbor's yard that blocks my view of the sunrise over Mount Hood, then too bad. I can't sue my neighbor to take down the tree because it's obstructing my view because the tree was already there when I bought the house. On the other hand, if I buy a house with a beautiful view, and then the neighbor plants a new tree that obstructs my beautiful view, then I can sue him for the tree being a nuisance. I was there first.

Alright? Make sense? Are you with me?

Now read this.

So lemme get this straight...

1. You researched the colleges in the area.
2. You went and visited the colleges you were most interested in.
3. You applied to the colleges that met your personal preferences and selection criteria.*
4. Out of the 27 institutions of higher learning in the great state of Vermont (or 2,024 universities in the great U.S. of A.), you CHOSE to go to Green Mountain College where all seven dorms (and bathrooms) are co-ed.
5. Now that you're there, you're suing the college because the bathrooms are co-ed????

*Let's rewind to step 3 above. Shouldn't one of your personal preference / selection criteria have been, "Single-sex bathrooms available"? I suppose when she toured the campus and saw the co-ed dorms and bathrooms, she giggled and girlishly blushed and thought of those times she would accidentally get a peek at some cute guy coming out of the shower. She must not have had any brothers or lived around any guys, because it didn't turn out as sexy and romantic as she thought. Suddenly she finds herself grossed-out by college guys' bathroom cleanliness (or lack thereof), not shutting the door when they pee, or peeking at HER in the shower.

Then again, maybe she intentionally chose this college just so that she could sue them and help pay for the tuition.

Chalk this one up as another frivolous lawsuit to clog our courts and make a laughing stock of our legal system.

I bet the next round of prospective freshmen visiting the campus will discover some silly sign at the front gates, "WARNING: Co-Ed Dorm and Bathroom Facilities. This college is not responsible for any embarrassing or gross experiences related to the personal hygiene of the opposite sex. Because we posted this sign to officially warn you, you can't sue us."

That reminds me... (Warning, tangent ahead.)

When we went to the Kennedy Center on Friday, there was one sign that was duplicated and posted EVERYWHERE. Seriously, there was one of these signs about every ten feet throughout the parking garage. Let's have some fun with this one. I'll pose this as a multiple-choice quiz and see if you can guess it.

What was written on the signs posted every 10 feet in the Kennedy Center parking garage?

A) Speed Limit 5 mph
B) No Back-In Parking
C) Kennedy Center is not responsible for damage or theft of valuables
D) Caution: Speed Bump
E) Absolutely No Drilling in the Ceiling

What do you think? Got your answer? Are you ready?

Friday night was just one of those times when I saw a sign, scratched my head, and said to myself, "Self, I wonder what outrageous and extremely rare alignment of the planets caused them to post THAT particular sign every 10 feet." It's one of those cases where you know they posted the sign because somebody tried it. Otherwise, nobody would have ever guessed that a sign was necessary. The answer was E) Absolutely No Drilling in the Ceiling.

Seriously?

Who could have thought up something like that unless someone had tried it. Why not post signs that say, "No Hitting the Cars with Sledge Hammers" or "No Spray Painting on the Walls" or "No Bazookas Allowed." Actually, I should have included those in the quiz instead. If you had asked me ahead of time, I totally would have guessed "No Spray Painting on the Walls" would be a more likely warning sign than "Absolutely No Drilling in the Ceiling." I would have guessed "No Longaberger Baskets Allowed" would have been just about as probable as "No Drilling in the Ceiling."

Can you imagine the poor guy that says to himself, "Self... gee, what to do on a Friday night? Hmmm. I KNOW!!! Let's go drill some holes in the ceiling of the Kennedy Center parking garage!" Imagine his glee as he put on his toolbelt, grabbed his DeWalt and the drill bits, hopped in his pickup truck and headed for the Kennedy Center. Imagine he was just giddy with excitement as he shelled out his $18 to pull into the parking lot.

Then he read the sign(s).

Imagine his disappointment... the pout on his lips... the slump of his shoulders... the power-drill hanging limply in his hand... It's like they just canceled Christmas.

Now what's he gonna do with his Friday night?

Silly Legal Disclaimers - Volume III

I periodically have to remove the battery from my BlackBerry. Today, for some odd reason, after I pulled the battery out, I said to myself, "Self, there sure is an awful lot of writing on that battery. What the heck does all that say???"

The first sentence...

Do not abuse battery.

Gosh, I'm SO glad they put that there. Cuz ya know I was just itching to see how high it could bounce off the tile floor on the first floor if I dropped it from the atrium opening on the 7th floor of my building. Whew! What a RELIEF they put that statement on the battery for my BlackBerry. NOW I know better!

Seriously... who thinks these things up???

Oh, yes, I did say there was "a lot" of writing on the battery, didn't I? After that breathtaking statement above, it says to dispose of the battery properly (um, okay...), and then it offers what I assume are the same two legal statements in like 17 other languages. This is because, you know, BlackBerry doesn't want to get sued by some guy in Bangladesh because he was beating on his BlackBerry battery with a sledghammer and it stopped working and nobody warned him "do not abuse battery" in his native language.

Give me a break.

Wiipairs Follow Up

Okay, so disregard my previous praise for Nintendo customer service.

As you surely already know, my wife is much smarter than I am, and she didn't understand why we had to PAY to have the Wii Balance Board fixed since it's less than a year old.

So I looked up the Wii Balance Board user manual (click for PDF file) to read what the warranty said. On page 12, it says...

"HARDWARE WARRANTY
Nintendo of America Inc. ("Nintendo") warrants to the original purchaser that the hardware product shall be free from defects in material and workmanship for twelve (12) months from the date of purchase. If a defect covered by this warranty occurs during this warranty period, Nintendo will repair or replace the defective hardware product or component, free of charge."

I said to myself, "Self, how long have we really had the Wii Balance Board? I think your Lovely Wife is right and it has been less than a year." I checked my blog, and sure enough, LW bought it on 22 May 2008. So we were absolutely within the 12 month warranty on the hardware and should not have to pay for the repairs, right???

I called Nintendo customer service back to point out the error. The customer service representative claimed that the Wii Balance Board is an "accessory" not "hardware," and the warranty on page 12 goes on to state...

"GAME & ACCESSORY WARRANTY
Nintendo warrants to the original purchaser that the product (games and accessories) shall be free from defects in material and workmanship for a period of three (3) months from the date of purchase..."

I threw the BS flag on that.

This is the user manual for THE WII BALANCE BOARD. What other HARDWARE came with the WII BALANCE BOARD???

NONE!

The WII BALANCE BOARD IS THE HARDWARE!!!

Saying that the Wii Balance Board falls under the accessory clause of the Wii Balance Board User Manual is like saying the Will Balance Board is an accessory to itself. Where's the beef I mean, hardware?

An accessory to the Wii Balance Board would be the silicone cover or the rechargable battery pack my wife bought for it. If Nintendo didn't want to give a 12 month warranty with the balance board itself, then they shouldn't have printed that in the HARDWARE section of the manual for the BALANCE BOARD.

The customer service rep said that it is a standard warranty blurb they print in all their manuals and the intent was the 12 month "hardware" warranty was on the Wii CONSOLE. I said then they should WRITE that in the warranty because I consider the balance board to be "hardware," especially when this is the Wii Balance Board Manual I'm reading, not a a Wii Console manual.

When I spoke with the customer service rep's supervisor, the supervisor pointed out a sentence on page 1 of the user manual, "Please carefully and completely read the Wii™ Operations Manual - System Setup before using this accessory." (emphasis mine) and declared therefore it is clearly an accessory. He stood his ground based on that sentence on page 1 and insisted the Balance Board is obviously an accessory and therefore only has a 3 month warranty.

I don't think I'm totally crazy here folks. It just doesn't pass the "average Joe" / common sense test in my mind.

In fact, I challenge Nintendo to do a study of random people on the street.

I challenge Nintento to walk up to a hundred random people on the street, hand them the Wii Balance Board User Manual, and ask them, "How long is the warranty on the Wii Balance Board?" I bet MOST if not all of them will flip to the warranty on page 12, read it, and say, "It's hardware, so the warranty is for 12 months." (Oh, and no fair asking 100 "random" people on the Nintendo campus or at a law school where they nitpick stupid stuff like this.)

For a single data point, I approached one of my coworkers in the office this afternoon. I handed him a print out of the manual. Without telling him why I was asking, I asked him how long he thought the warranty was good for on the Wii Balance Board. He flipped through to the warranty section, he read it, and he said, "it says the hardware is covered for 12 months."

What do you think? Am I crazy?

Yes, yes, I said myself up above that this is nitpicky stupid stuff. That's why I stopped arguing with the guy on the phone - I wasn't getting anywhere with him. It feels good to vent though.

Frivolous Lawsuits & Silly Legal Disclaimers Part II

So we went to Target to pick up a few things.

Walking through the home decorations, I happened upon this cute little globe...


Ask ANY submarine officer (and probably ANY naval officer) what legal disclaimer they would expect to see on ANY geographic product, and I bet you 99% of them will give you the same answer. Come on guys, say it together with me now:

"Not to be used for navigation."

Well, as I slowly turned this cute little globe around in my hand, I came upon a very startling legal disclaimer, and considering how recently I wrote about frivolous lawsuits and the resultant ridiculous legal disclaimers, I burst out laughing.

The Disclaimer:
NOT FOR EDUCATIONAL USE
ONLY FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSE

Oddly enough, this little globe could actually serve as an educational device to demonstrate the challenges of cartography and trying to print a representation of a three dimensional surface on a two-dimensional piece of paper. In this case, those challenges are highlighted by the attempt to cut and fold said piece of paper onto a spherical object to make it look like a globe.

Look!!! The polar ice caps melted and
swallowed Alaska and half of Greenland!

But alas, I can't use it for education.

In order to file a complaint with the manufacturer over their product, I thought I would visit their office in India. Since they didn't say I couldn't use the globe for Navigation, I figured I'd use this handy-dandy globe as my guide to seek out their office...

...but alas, those clever guys at the factory managed to HIDE their home office in Mumbai.

Okay, so as far as get-rich-quick schemes go, I can't really sue the manufacturer since they're in India.

But surely I sue the company that imported the globes, can't I?